The Bachelorette: Week 1

Gimmick entrances ranked from most to least likely to have stormed the Capitol

Well, another season of The Bachelorette is upon us. People who follow me for #ChurchToo/religious trauma/queer theology reasons may be surprised to learn that I am a proud and unrepentant member of Bachelor Nation. It started as a hate watch during Brad Womack’s second season in 2011 and now we’re here, and I won’t be taking questions at this time.

I decided I would rank the gimmick entrances of the men based on Most To Least Likely To Have Stormed the Capitol. A gimmick entrance is anything a contestant does that isn’t stepping out of the limo and giving a handshake or a hug. Think stepping out in a panda suit or riding up in a toy car or spending the entire night with a mask on so she has to learn to really like you for you. This seemed like a good rubric to me and I turned out to not be wrong. Here are my rankings:

1. Ethan—Entrance: Walked up juggling and said, “I’m not good at juggling two women but I am a catch.” Ranking: Least likely to have stormed the Capitol, most likely to be a huge dork.

2. Alec—Entrance: Hired a choir of four small children to sing a made-up song called “Clayton Sucks.” Ranking: He did not storm the Capitol but he definitely calls women “females.”

3. Quincy aka Prince—Henceforth referred to as Princey Quincey. Entrance: Straight up informed these women he hasn’t had sex in a year and a half because he’s “saving it for the right person.” He’s a life coach, which is different from the other guy on this season who’s a mentality coach. Ranking: I doubt he stormed the Capitol, but I predict he will be the biggest fuckboy on Paradise later this summer.

4. Roby—Entrance: Magic tricks. Ranking: I also doubt he stormed the Capitol, but I 100% believe that he is one of those new friends who invites you over to their house for “board games” without telling you that it’s actually a convening of his entire polycule.

5. Tino—Entrance: Drove up on a forklift and said the girls were “forking gorgeous.” Admittedly, I’m hot for forklift certification, but this is not The Good Place and Tino has Trevor vibes anyway. Ranking: sus.

6. James aka Meatball: Entrance: Came in holding a giant meatball sub. Ranking: Meatball EITHER stormed the Capitol at the front of the line, OR he is one of those dudes who will fully get in a bar fight if someone says anything even slightly untoward about a woman.

7. Jordan—Entrance: Came up with noise canceling headphones so he could speak to each woman individually without the other one hearing. Ranking: I think it’s possible that he stormed the Capitol and also that he harasses women from behind an anonymous Reddit account. Good suit though.

8. Barefoot guy—At this point I was a couple glasses of wine in and missed his name so we’re just going to call him Shane Claiborne. Entrance: Obviously Shane walked in barefoot. Ranking: He stormed the Capitol and asked for ethically sourced organic vegan food in jail.

9. Jacob—Entrance: Rode up shirtless on a horse, his long hair flowing in the wind. Has both a cross necklace and a cross tattoo. Made a “happy ending” joke that I’m pretty sure went right over Gabby and Rachel’s head. Ranking: Stormed the Capitol on a horse.

10. Ryan—Entrance: Walked up in a clown wig and nose for reasons I could not ascertain. He has the vibes like he eats raw sweet potatoes because it’s “paleo.” Thankfully Rachel is scared of clowns, but he shushed Gabby and called her “Gabbers” so I hate him already. Ranking: 0/5 stars, stormed the Capitol then went to Olive Garden later and left a $2 tip on a $98 tab.

11. Logan—Entrance: WALKED UP HOLDING TWO FRANTICALLY CHIRPING VERY NERVOUS BABY CHICKS! Their names were Mary Beth and Alejandra and they were NOT having a good time! Mary Beth and Alejandra, blink twice if you’re okay girls! Ranking: Most likely to have stormed the Capitol, most likely to have PLANNED the storming of the Capitol, most likely to be the first contestant to murder two baby chicks on The Bachelorette.

That’s what I’ve got for this week, tell me in the comments who your faves and least faves are and what you think of this season, and join me in praying that Gabby and Rachel quit the show and run away with each other instead.