How to Come Forward
Reflections on #ChurchToo and telling your story, five years later.
Ever since launching #ChurchToo in November of 2017 (five whole years ago!), people have consistently asked me how they can come forward if they have a #ChurchToo story to tell. Here are some thoughts on this I've compiled over the years, and a very important resource at the end:
1. Nobody has to.
If you've been abused, it's the person who abused you's responsibility not to abuse people anymore. It's not your responsibility to stop them, and coming forward may or may not stop them (see point #2). I remember once doing an interview with a survivor who spent most of our hour on the phone together shitting on the other survivors they knew who weren't willing to come forward for fear of their safety and livelihood, and I had to gently remind them that it's actually not anyone's moral obligation to come forward publicly, as frustrating as that can be if you are the person trying to build momentum around a case.
Not only that, but in the age of hashtag activism there is a tendency to feel like you have to parade around the worst thing that has ever happened to you in order to get people to believe you or in order to garner sympathy. For another example of this, you can think about the ways that people who have experienced absolutely tragic and life-threatening loss of pregnancies have had to tell their stories in gruesome detail in an effort to get people to see that abortion access later in pregnancy is a medical necessity and a moral good, when those are some of the most painful and personal experiences they have ever had. They're brave for sharing their stories, but they shouldn't have had to in order to get people to do the right thing.
If you are a survivor of abuse, there is no layer of validity that can be added to your story by coming forward because it is already valid on its own. You can decide what you want to do with your story, but know that it is a genuine choice.
2. It may or may not "work."
What do you want to gain by telling your story? This is an important question to ask yourself before you come forward. Some people just want to gain community or a sense of catharsis, of having "gotten it off their chest" so they can move on without feeling like they are carrying a secret. Other people want to see the person who abused them fired from their position of authority over others, or they want to help obtain justice for themselves or other survivors through the process of the courts. Depending on your situation, as they say, "results may vary." I would love to believe that every time someone came forward, we would get the kind of splashy consequences that have made #ChurchToo a force of nature—being forced to step down from a pastor role, getting a book deal canceled, seeing exposé after exposé written revealing just how deep the coverup actually ran—but that doesn't happen every time. Jon Crist is still selling out comedy shows. Matt Chandler has returned to the pulpit, as has Mark Driscoll, as has Andy Savage. Moody Bible Institute is still sheltering abusers. Even in my own situation, the church where I was abused is still thriving in my hometown, opening new campuses and attracting new members, and has never admitted wrongdoing of any kind. This work is the kind that will not be completed in our lifetime, even if a modicum of justice is achieved for survivors in the present.
Clarity over what you want out of coming forward is crucial so that you can funnel your energy into the tasks that will support those ends, and so that you have a clear "why" in mind to keep you going when things stall or get tough. It's also important to note that telling your story can be a net good even if you don't get everything you initially wanted out of it. In my case, even though I didn't get the specific consequences I thought were warranted (yet), I ended up launching a movement that has helped thousands of people, something I didn't expect at all. You never know what will come of standing in your truth.
3. Gather your support team.
No one should do this alone. Whether it's a spouse, partner(s), a hype team of your best girlfriends, a coworker or a colleague, someone you go to school with, or extended family members, you need people who are on your team to rely on when things get tough. This is also the beauty of #ChurchToo—in the five years since it launched, it's become a community and not just a hashtag. #ChurchToo is based on #MeToo, as in "me, too." I've had an experience like that too. I know what you're going through. I'll be there for you. #ChurchToo is about solidarity.
But if you're a survivor of #ChurchToo abuse and you'd like some more formal support, I want to share a very important resource with you. If you've been around me and my writing for any length of time you've probably heard me gush about my respect for Into Account, an organization that provides support for survivors and allies seeking justice, accountability, and recovery in Christian contexts. I like them so much that earlier this year I started doing some consulting for them on the communications and social media side because I so deeply believe in their message and work in the world and I want to help get their resources out there and into the hands of the people who need them.
Into Account has a reporting form that you can use to share your story with the organization and request formal help, whatever that may look like—whether it's coming forward publicly, moving through an institutional process, or anything else. Your report is completely confidential, and you decide what happens after you make it. Not only that, but their services are always free of charge to survivors (although they do offer paid consulting for churches and other religious organizations, something I highly recommend pursuing if you're a part of one).
Lastly, today is Giving Tuesday 2023, so if you're not a survivor who is currently in need of the support that Into Account offers, would you consider giving a donation in any amount to Into Account this year? Just because services are no-cost to survivors doesn't mean they cost nothing to provide, and as #ChurchToo continues on there are more survivors than ever from a huge variety of backgrounds to support. Every dollar goes directly back into the work that this small team does to champion survivors and disrupt the status quo within churches and other religious organizations, and I've been so thankful to be able to be a part of their mission this year.
Great points, Emily! The problem is (as in the case of sexual results of “spankings”) that whole families can be affected by any “coming out.” I just grieve being so alone in my efforts to speak about this, but I have always kept in mind that there is nothing more personal. Nothing more potential harmful than a person’s sex life and sexual injuries! Marriages can be lost. We must remain humane, primarily, toward all survivors! (I had come out with my real name, only to delete it, once again). It is a lot to ask of victims. Let’s not re-victimize anyone again :) :) :)
I also think that one of the things that makes #ChurchToo unique is the wide range of abuse that people have suffered at the hands of church authority figures who were supposed to be shepherds and instead turned out the be wolves. I may want accountability for my situation, but I'm never going to see it, and I've had to show a lot of grace to those who I love who are still contributing to the ministries that are so problematic. But I CAN share my story with others who are struggling and help them to see that they are not alone and that faith in Jesus and faith in institutions is not the same thing. Thank you for all of your hard work. It is helping others find their voices.